A Letter to Finley on her First Birthday

Where do I even begin, my sweet girl?  How has a year of holding you in my arms and looking into your big blue eyes each day already passed? There was no way I could have prepared my heart for the explosion of emotions and love that arrived the morning you were born. Oh yes, and worry...lots and lots of worrying; checking on you constantly while you are sleeping, making sure your every need is met and that you are thriving and loved. 

You came into the world bright and early after an extremely rough and scary night.  Maybe that night set you up to be the excellent sleeper that you are. ;) Kidding, just kidding. From the very beginning you were up most of the night nursing or wanting to be held.  Dada and I didn't get much sleep, but you slept just fine once you were in our arms. During those first three months you were up at 4:00 am grunting and thrashing about each morning.  It was likely acid reflux or gas, but either way Dada would often hold you or let you sleep on the love seat next to him for a couple more hours each morning so I could try to sleep. Over the next 12 months, we had our ups and downs with sleep.  The four month sleep regression hit us hard right when I went back to work. You could not be laid down in your crib without waking up and you would wake just about every 45 minutes to an hour and a half each night. Since Dada works 24 hour shifts, I would often go days without hardly any sleep at all.  I remember trying to lock my car once I got to school and wondering why it wouldn't lock only to find out that it was still running! That was about the time that we did a little sleep training. You caught on quickly and began only waking once or twice a night. Then came two more sleep regressions; when you started to roll over and again when you started to pull up to stand around 11 months.  It is incredible to think that over the last 365 days, you and I have slept through the night 8 times TOTAL. As much as I want you to sleep through the night, I will miss nursing you at 3:00 am and watching you close your eyes and fall back asleep in my arms.

As soon as you were laid on my chest you began to nurse without issue and we haven't looked back ever since.  My goal was to make it to a year which we easily conquered. We will see where this journey now takes us. Pumping while at work has been my only complaint about this journey.  I know Dada's complaint would be washing all of the pumping parts and bottles that come back home each evening. During those early days I often felt like all I did was sit on the loveseat while you clusterfed for what seemed like hours.  I would have to plan ahead and have water and snacks ready for the hours of sitting watching your tiny hands hold onto my shirt and long eyelashes close as you'd fall back to sleep. Dada even had to feed me dinner from time to time because you were in my lap.

We've since started baby food purees and baby led weaning, which has been a whole adventure in itself.  There were times at 6 months that you enjoyed a few spoonfuls of sweet potato puree or carrots, to times when you were eating almost two pouches of mixed purees a day just a few months ago.  You quickly decided it is much better to be able to feed yourself what you want to eat and throw the rest of the floor or push it away. Your favorites are plain cheerios, mandarin oranges, yogurt, bananas, and avocados.  We now offer you a little bit of everything that we eat and let you decide what you'd like to eat. I'd be lying if I said this was an easy process. It is hard to let go of control and let you decide how much you'd like to eat or if you'll eat anything at all.  But as with every single other milestone that you've made, the one thing we've learned is that you will do things in your own time and in your own way. We just have to get out of your way and let you do it, baby girl.

Along with all of that milk came fountains of spit up.  From the very beginning you spit up constantly after feeding and anytime in between.  Our house was taken over by burp cloths and burp cloth washing. We often cringed while walking around with you after hearing a loud splat on the floor.  I'm not sure how many times I changed my shirt or had to clean spit up out of my hair after burping you. I remember being so nervous about you choking while you were sleeping each night. And how many times did I end up having to change your pajamas, sleep sacks, and sheets in the middle of the night because I didn't want you to be wet or cold from the spit up.  We tried everything from medication to changing my diet to elevating you after feedings, but you finally just grew out of it around six months old.

With every milestone that you make, I feel myself mourning those little moments that have already passed but so excited for all of the new moments to come. 

I vividly remember you lifting your head up as soon as we brought you home and how great you did with tummy time.  Well, other than when you would spit up everywhere! Even back during those first days we would show you black, white and red books that you could see and we would talk to you and sing to you constantly.  Maybe that is why you are so obsessed with books now? It melts my heart when you grab a book and then climb into my lap and wait for me to read to you. And it cracks me up when I finish a book and you start crying because you want me to read it again from the beginning.  Of course I am going to read the same books over and over again as many times as you want. I often wonder if you are going to absolutely love school or become a musician or a singer because of your love of books and all things musical. You can be almost asleep and hear a jingle from a commercial or someone sing and jolt wide eyed to look at the television. This is such a "problem" that Dada and I have to wait to watch American Idol or The Voice until after I have put you in your crib.  :)

One of the hardest days of my life was going back to work after having almost four months off with you.  Luckily, Dada was able to watch you for a few weeks to help ease with the transition. Of course this all coincided with you refusing to take a bottle.  Between being sleep deprived and so anxious about sending you to Nana's I had a rough couple of months. I was constantly worried about your sleeping, your eating, getting enough attention and on and on.  I even looked into working part-time and was desperately searching for a way to stay at home with you. After a few months, I finally got into a rhythm and although I still wanted more than anything to be home with you, I realized just how much Nana loves you and how much fun you were having while you were with her and the other babies and toddlers.  It made it much easier when you would laugh and laugh and want to go back and forth between my arms and Nana's at drop off and pick up. To this day, you never once cried when I left. I was the one who cried on more than a couple occasions. Thankfully Nana reassured me throughout each day that you were well taken care of and having a good time. Fortunately, this year I am blessed with even more time off with you due to the coronavirus pandemic.  Our schools closed on March 13th, so I will end up getting almost five months off to enjoy with you. The last month has been extremely rewarding because you have already learned so many things and changed so much! I'll take the crazy times we are in and being stuck in the house as long as I get to spend it with you and Dada.

I never want to miss a moment or forget those funny facial expressions or sweet sounds, so I always have and still do  have my phone ready to take pictures and videos. In fact, there hasn't been a single day that I haven't taken a photo of you since you were born.  That's a lot of pictures! Keeping a journal, working on your baby book and this blog are things I do constantly so I do not forget a single moment. I hope in the future you treasure the memories and moments that I have documented in our blog as much as I already do. One of my greatest fears in life is having something happen to me and you not knowing how much I love and cherish every single second with you.  My entire life now revolves around trying to do my absolute best for you. This means hours of researching things from feedings to sleep to activities that are best for your development. It means that everything else is put on the back burner for now and you are the center of my world. Even though that means sometimes I am sleepy and worn out or I can't relax and eat my dinner or sometimes I can't even go to the bathroom in peace, it means that you are thriving and learning and being loved to the fullest extent.

Your furry brothers took to you right away, although I think the new smells and sounds scared Marley a bit but what else is new for Marley?  Now you are the one we have to watch out for because you love "Mar Mar" and "Jack Jack" so much. Thank goodness they have been patient because you've scared me a few times pulling out Jack's hair or trying to grab their food bowls.  Your doggies or "diddies" as you call them are most definitely your favorite. I love watching you squeal with delight and kick your legs when they come near you or you get to pet them.

Watching Dada play with you and make you giggle and scream with excitement is one of my most favorite things to do.  Those sounds light up my heart. You two have a special bond that I am blessed to watch evolve over time. From the beginning, you and Dada have had a language all your own.  You first mimicked him at only five months old; sticking your tongue out at him each time he stuck his out at you. To this day, you all babble back and forth and make some of the funniest facial expressions at each other. Your nicknames - Toots, Fruit Tooty and more all come from silly times with Dada or songs that he sings to you. He does the fun things that I am often too scared to do like bounce you up and down on the mattress or throw you up high in the air and catch you.  You love every second of his playtime and I love watching both of your smiles and giggles. My love for Dada has grown more each day since you completed our family. His love for you and the look in his eyes when holding you, makes me love him even more than I thought was possible.

There is so much excitement and pride each time you are able to do something new.  I remember when you first rolled over and Dada and I were playing with you on the floor in your bedroom.  We kept waiting in anticipation knowing it was coming any minute. I had my phone recording each time you were about to roll over and then finally you did it!  You have always been so inquisitive, curious, and fearless when it comes to trying new things. We often talk about how much we like watching your little fingers pick things up and analyze them, looking them over and manipulating them in your hands.  Every time I've thought that maybe, just maybe you might skip a step like crawling all of a sudden you are able to do it out of the blue. One day you were low crawling (don't call it army crawling, Dada hates that!) and then next you were up on all fours moving quickly across the floor.  The same goes for pulling up to stand. Out of nowhere your tiny hands were holding on to the coffee table and your legs were pulled up underneath of you. We are off to the races now and I imagine you will be walking in no time. Almost more exciting to me than the prospect of walking is the mental leaps that you are making right now.  In just a matter of days you were able to start signing "milk", waving bye bye, and pointing to your nose, toes, belly and ears. I can focus on pointing out one body part and then in a matter of minutes it clicks and you've mastered it! The first time you pointed to your nose after just a couple minutes of pointing to my nose and yours, I just about jumped up and down.  The sense of pride and enjoyment watching you learn makes my heart explode. You give us so much to look forward to as you continue to grow.

So, baby girl, thank you for teaching me so much and opening my eyes to a love I hadn't known before.  This is a year that I will cherish forever.

Happy Birthday, Toots!  I love you with all of my heart. We have so much to celebrate today!